My Lord! John Stevens' reports.

Lord John Stevens used to be a humble policeman, no doubt underpaid and overworked as he plodded the beat. Not any more. By the time he had risen through the ranks to become Metropolitan Police Commissioner, (London's Police Chief), he had arse-licked enough politicians to become a Lord on his retirement (without having to pay cash) in January 2005. Since then he has developed a taste for inquiries that are as pointless as they are expensive.

Last week he published his report which decisively proved that Lady Diana, Princess of Wales was not assassinated by either MI5 or the CIA. If anybody wants to see what the taxpayers got for their £3.69m (about $7M), the full 871 page pdf version can be downloaded from here.

Next up this week is his discount report into allegations of corruption in 39 soccer transfers. It is said to have cost the soccer authorities only about £800,000.

What next? Lord Stevens is a natural choice for inquires into both the Al-Yamamah and Cash for Honours investigations.

UPDATE1: 20.12.06

The BBC has reports and links relating to Steven's soccer inquiry, which has been published. As far as I can see, Stevens' most important claim from the inquiry is his expense forms. And I've just seen this in the Times:

Stevens and his Quest team of investigators would continue to pursue at least 8 uncooperative agents but under a new inquiry with a new frame of reference.

That should keep the wolf from the door until a bigger, badder, better, more profitable inquiry comes along.

UPDATE2: 21.12.06

The latest from Stevens is that he has passed a dossier relating to his inquiry to the Serious Fraud Office. For any soccer fans straying onto here, it might be helpful to observe that the SFO is not part of the police, rather it is a government department, and a completely useless one at that. Think of a civil service version of the Keystone Cops. All those concerned can sleep soundly tonight.

Tags: Lord Stevens